Before I begin writing this piece, I just want to say that this piece Is going to speak largely about loss & attachment. This piece is dedicated to my little sister SHIVANI who never opened her eyes but gave me a million memories while I saw her in the sonography machine. I hope you read this at some point till mankind exists on this planet <3
Loss…. How do you really describe it? It’s hard you know. For someone something must be very juvenile but for someone it would mean the end of their world. & that’s what happened with my family exactly this day 2 years ago in 2017. February 25 is just another date. But this date changed our entire life. Who knew this date was going to haunt me even today. But a few months before that when we actually even knew that you were soon going to be there we couldn’t contain myself. I distinctly remember that morning & I always will. I was sleeping as It was pretty early & your mami was in the shower. Your nani was doing yoga & your mama was outstation for work.
Suddenly while I was asleep my phone rang. It was a call from your mom & she said that you were coming & the next thing I knew was I was running around. Within 10 minutes I changed my clothes, brushed my hair & brushes my teeth & left with your mami for the hospital & it was nerve wracking throughout the way. We reached the hospital & suddenly we saw pale faces of your parents. At first we thought it was just plain nervousness & nothing else but then later your dad walked up to us & said that your heartbeat was suddenly gone that morning.
That moment felt like it was the end of my world; all of our worlds. The dream we all and especially that your parents had seen for 10 years was finally going to come true & then suddenly you were gone. Th dream was broken & we were shattered. & then when we saw you there lifeless in the wooden tray, there’s no word Invented so far that can even express an ounce of that feeling & every abstract noun that I possibly could use right now to explain it would be absolutely small in front of that pain. That night I laid there thinking I was there but I could do nothing, I cried, didn’t sleep the whole night & your parents were wrecked. It felt like the longest night & the days that followed felt the same.
I remember before you were going to be born I used to tell everyone’Only me, Nila & Digi fua will initially hold her & nobody else’. Who knew it was going to happen exactly this way except we’d beg you to open your eyes & cry. Your beautiful pink & white body had slowly started to turn pale, your lips getting blue & we there was nothing we could do. We wept, cried, howled & riled but nothing worked because you had already started a new journey. When your mumma, papa, mami & your papa’s friend went to busy you, I wasn’t taken along because I would never be able to handle it. They knew if I saw you again I couldn’t let my jaan go. When they came home, your mami said ‘I’ve always seen a daughters parents do her KANYADAAN on her wedding. For the first time I saw parents bury their little life with their own hands & nothing could ever be worse’. After a few days of analysing I realised that maybe you were gone for a very good reason. Maybe you were meant to be with us for only this time & I guess what happened was right because maybe you were meant to be in a far better place.
Today, yes your passing brings tears in my eyes & chills running down my spine but remembering those 9 months of your existence brings the widest smile on our faces. You were so big we couldn’t see you completely in that little sonography machine but we do have your pictures & memories to look at. We didn’t know your gender or anything really much about you; not me at least but we know you were extremely playful & enthusiastic all the time. Even during your detailed sonography you were always moving around. But these are going to be the everlasting memories; the happy & good memories. These are also the same memories that we cried but remembered & held each other’s hands & brought each other out of the pain & turned to see the positive side of not having you around.
Now your little sister Shifu makes us crack all the time. Haha when she was born she resembled you completely for a few days. You’ll always be our first, my first of course after Greenie. You’ll be in my memories till I breathe my last & nobody will ever be able to take my Shivani’s place. I hope you’re in a happy, safe & sound place with no trouble of any kind & endless love intoxicatingly crazy like wine <3 So you guys see, that’s the thing about attachments. You don’t need to see someone to fall in love with them. Sometimes you become absolutely with just the news of someone’s presence or arrival. They’re not necessarily around but their mere existence makes you feel like you’re on top of the world.
If you guys have a deep thing to share, feel free to comment below. Let’s all share & reduce the pain in our hearts & make this space where we share our grievances & help each other out.